mom on mom crime...

Breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Co-sleeping or crib sleeping. Cry it out or cuddle it out. Cloth diapers or disposable diapers. Homeschool, public school, or private school. All organic, some organic, mostly processed (but prepared at home), or mostly fast food. Unmedicated, Epidural, or C-Section.

I could go on easily for another five minutes.

The worst part is, even though I feel strongly against parents judging other parents for the above and other choices--which is why I'm sitting here writing this--I found myself choosing where I stand in each area as I wrote it. It's nearly irresistible. I want to believe that my choices are the best choices. I want to say things like "well I _______ because I care about my kids' so much (subtext: "sorry you don't care about your kids enough to do it")."

I like to call this judgement passing and arguing "mom-on-mom crime." I have been the victim and the assailant in many of these situations. It's not good. Sometimes when I think of how I've treated other moms in the past, the little comments or looks because of differences of opinion, I just want to cry...and have.

Let me give a few examples. When my daughter Scarlett was about 6 months old we decided to try cloth diapering. I am very ashamed to say that I made myself right at home up on that high horse, and I always hoped that someone would see her diapers and ask me about it...so I could pat myself on the back for 5 minutes. I knew that when I did that, it probably made my friends who didn't cloth diaper feel uncomfortable or even like they fell short in that area...but it didn't stop me. It took awhile, and a big slap in the face with how arrogant I had become for this to stop.

Another example would be when I was recently told that two of my childbirths were "unnatural" because I had epidurals. Let me set the record straight. When women who have gotten epidurals, inductions or c-sections are made to feel like they don't care as much about their babies as those who have gone med free or had homebirths, I do not handle that well. I think it's very unfair that going med free is now known as "natural childbirth." Having an epidural does not make your birthing experience an abomination. It is not an unnatural way to have a child, nor is a c-section or an induction. Side note: I was also told recently by another Christian woman that her childbirths were more spiritual because she chose not to "dampen" the spirituality of it with medication. Dude...not cool. On the list of things that irk me most in the world, someone telling me that my Jesus wasn't present during my birthing experiences where I got an epidural is very near the top.

One last example. My husband and I have never chosen the institute the family bed concept. I am not against it at all, so co-sleepers, please don't click that X in the corner. I have always struggled with putting my children ahead of my husband...and even ahead of the Lord in my life. So for us, me choosing to bring my babies into our bed to sleep for an indefinite period of time doesn't sit so well in our marriage, or in my relationship with the Lord. Now, of course, when baby needs to nurse in the night and I fall asleep, there is some co-sleeping that happens there. It's just not a conscious and planned decision to always have our baby in bed with us...that's all. All that being said, I was the black sheep of my breastfeeding support group because of this, and I ultimately stopped going because I couldn't take being left out anymore. Luckily by that time, I was a mom of two and a breastfeeding veteran...but what if I hadn't been? What if I had been a brand new mom who was desperate to breastfeed her baby, but felt shunned by the "experts" I'd been urged to seek out for an unrelated decision?

Breastfeeding or bottle feeding. Co-sleeping or crib sleeping. Cry it out or cuddle it out. Cloth diapers or disposable diapers. Homeschool, public school, or private school. All organic, some organic, mostly processed (but prepared at home), or mostly fast food. Unmedicated, Epidural, or C-Section.

We can coexist. We can be accepting, loving, and encouraging to moms who make different decisions than ourselves. I know we can, because God has been faithful to continuously teach me to strive for this in my own life, and I've seen countless other moms do it. In my opinion, what makes someone a good mom is devoting your time and energy to making sure that your children feel loved; and giving what you have to give. This won't always be 110%, it won't always be organic, it will sometimes come in a bag with golden arches on it, it will sometimes come from a bottle instead of a breast. Give them what you have to give, and point them to Jesus at every opportunity...that's what they will remember as they look back on their lives!

Here's to keeping the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace!

Tiff